Songs That Do It To Me Everytime

Welcome Back

So I totally forgot that I even had this blog. Silly me. It's been something so theraputic in the past and I've been missing this outlet. So without any further ado, some random short but sweet ramblings from yours truely.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
and
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob Braude


Simpler words have not been spoken, yet it seems like such a hard concept to grasp. I can not change other's actions, but I am in control of how I handle my reaction to them. How I respond will ultimately shape the chain of subsequent events or atleast my perception of them and my emotional wellbeing. I'd prefer to generate a positive energy that in return would lead me closer to a content existence. Now if only that attitude was contagious.

Cant Catch A Break

Tonight I should be enjoying No Doubt/Paramore with the girlfriends. However I'm not going to be doing that. I have the beginning of an eye ulcer, which is every bit as painful as it sounds. Plus even if I felt good, I have no babysitter for tonight. That's $40 down the drain. Ugh! Though I suppose I've wasted more money on worse things.

Amazing Grace

So I was taking a shower today, and I was reading my body wash. Calm down readers, it's not that type of entry. The body wash is Amazing Grace by Philosophy. It has this lil quip on the front. It was really eye opening. It says:

How you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. So it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one gigantic lesson. In the end it all comes down to one word~ grace. It's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, darkness and light.

Who knew that something so profound could be on a simple body wash. I got to thinking that I can not control other's actions. However I can control my reaction to it. Do I do so with spite and bitterness? Or do I want to portray grace and dignity? That perhaps instead of me feeling reproach and ready for rebuttle, I should feel mercy and forgiveness even when it's less than deserved or not even asked for. For in the long run the only action that will be memorable to me will be my own.

So I finished my shower, feeling more cleansed than ever. Both physically, and mentally. I am definitely going to attempt to follow the amazing grace philosophy.

Oh and incase you were wondering... the body wash itself is wonderful.

It's Offical!

I am now a single lady. I signed my divorce papers yesterday, and they got hand delivered to the court system today. By the end of next week I will have my copies, and I will be legally divorced! What a relief. Onto bigger and better things.

Stop... please...

Could those who only want to use me, just please not bother? I can not take anymore abuse. I am a human being. I have real feelings. I treat others with respect because that's how I expect to be treated. I give my all to everything I do. I hate not getting even a fraction of that in return. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's growing increasingly hard given all I've had to endure. I'm just not sure where I'm going to find the strength to continue if much more goes wrong. It's more than anyone should have to handle. I feel broken.

Credulous Child

Well it's been a long time since I wrote here. To quote the Grateful Dead~ "What a long strange trip it's been". I've experienced as many ups as I have downs. Still kinda unraveling at the edges, but no worse for wear or tear I suppose.

I'd say that I've learned a bunch of lessons along the way, but honestly if I learned anything I wouldn't be repeating the same mistakes. I think I might be insane actually, if not terribly credulous. I keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I chalk it up to giving each individual the benefit of the doubt, but at sometime I need to start trusting myself and my intuition. The thing is, sometimes I think that I'd be better off if I didn't. If I were to revert to that ingenuous child like nature.

The difference between childish and childlike is a fine, thin line. In our quest for attaining adulthood, we tend to stifle the child in each of us. For who wouldn't want to, if just for a moment, go back to when times were simpler? Instead of being on the constant quest for the pursuit of happiness, just enjoying the ride. Giving 100% to the moment in which we are living in, and not worrying about what the future might hold. Soaking in the glory of the current moment for all it's worth. At what point and cost did I decide to abandon those child like virtures? And how do I even begin to get them back now that life seems consumed with fear, mistrust, prejudice, doubt and selfishness?

Epiphany

I have come to realize that the bad is what makes you appreciate the good. Life is a series of lessons. You learn from your mistakes, but you dont allow it to jade you. I dont want to end up bitter. Im still searching for hapiness, and enjoying the ride along the way. Twists and turns keep it interesting. I'm trying to make the best, even out of the bad.

The Hidden Meaning Of Valerie

You Are Driven and Tireless

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you. You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night. Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Food For Thought

Sorry I haven't been very active writing here. Life sometimes just gets in the way of that. Things have been pretty busy here. Nothing I care to share at the moment, but know that it isn't all negative. =)

I recently stumbled across a quote, and since reading it have tried to implement it to it's fullest~
"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child."

Counting Down

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. Tonight we leave for waterpark adventures. Nothing much to share. Living life as best as I can and trying to enjoy it each step of the way. Perhaps I'll have more to share when I return.

Toys R Us Kid 4-Eva

I seriously hate being a grown up and having to do grown up things. I have spent the entire morning on the phone with lawyers, contractors, city inspectors, ect trying to straighten out several different messy situations. I have a headache that even Excederin couldn't take care of.

What's Love Got To Do With It

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, it not selfish, and does not become angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes and always continues strong."
1 Corthinthians 13:4-7

So I was on Salena's blog and she has that verse from the bible on there. I was really thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I have never been in love nor loved by anyone else. I'd say it feels horrible, but it doesn't. Probably because I don't truly know what I am missing. Perhaps someday I might know what that is like. I suppose that it will be one of those things that hits you straight on. Now I've thought I knew what love was. I thought I was in love. I thought I've given love, but true love.... I think not.

I know that I am not always, but I can be rude, selfish, and easily angered. I am impatient and jealous by nature. I can forgive, but I NEVER forget. I've lost trust, and hope and I feel weak due to circumstances beyond my control.

I'm wondering if that makes me incapable of love, or being loved, or both.

*Disclaimer* I'm not talking about my children either. I love them and I know they have love for me. That's unconditional. I was talking about adult romantic type love.

Celebrate Good Times Come On

My birthday is about 2 weeks away. I had wanted to celebrate in Vegas, but that's on the back burner. Maybe for my 30th next year instead.

I've decided to spend the week with my most favorite people ever~ my daughters. We are going to the local indoor waterpark, and having a fun time of it. I absolutely can not wait. I so need a break from all the bullcrap, and I know they do too!

Now I need to purchase a swimsuit. The one I have is a maternity one from 2005. That tells you how often I really get to go on vacations and such.

Key Lime Cove here we come!

Valentine's Day Can Suck It

I hate Valentine's Day. This is just the biggest Hallmark holiday out there. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to get flowers, candy and the like. I do buy things for my daughters. We exchange Valentines and whatnot. I just would gladly accept it any of the other 363 days( I don't want it on Sweetest Day either ). I want someone to want to give me those things because they do love me and are thinking of me, not because of some over commercialized industry is forcing it down our throats every store we enter.

Thank You Nipsco, I'll Take Another

Nipsco spanked me this month. I just got my gas/electric bill and it was $575.96 from middle of January to middle of February. That's double what it usually is. They sent a letter with the last bill saying that the price per therm, plus transportation costs were rising. I didn't think it was going to be that much. My thermostat is set at 70, and I've become the light nazi as well.

That's more than my mortgage payment. I'm going to have to dip into my tax return ( which I haven't received yet but it's on its way ) to pay for that. I won't be able to survive if that is what it's always going to be.

Seriously what are these companies thinking? I live modestly within my means. I do not do anything extravagent. Yet I'm getting bent over in doing even that. I'm thankful I have a way to pay for mine, but what about those who don't? I wonder how many people are doing to get theirs shut off this month. I know a few students in Lauren's school who went to go stay at a shelter/friends/family for that very reason. It was during the coldest weather here too last month. What a depressing state of economy we live in.

Do Finish Lines Count?

"Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

I read that today on some stranger's myspace ( I started with someone I knew and kept clicking on their friends and friends friends until I was out of the six degrees of seperation ).

However I really liked that quote, and felt it was worthy of adding it to the blog.

BMV Craziness

Today I had to renew my license, and plate "Roo". Neither is technically due till the end of the month, but I had the time so I figured let's just get this over with.

On the way there I develop a huge case of road rage. Seriously it must be senior citizen driving day because I got stuck behind every single old person who goes 10 below the posted speed limit.

Then I arrive, only to have to wait...and wait... and wait. I'm totally not good at waiting. I'm impatient. But it has to be done, so I do it.

The guy handling everything was a riot. He asked the usual questions, and then comes the doozey~ Is your height and weight correct? I go into somewhat of a panic mode.

See I've maxed out my online renewals so I had to do this one in person. I have done my renwals over the internet since I was 21. Im turning 29. 8 years ago I certainly weighed ALOT less than I do now. Hell that was pre-babies. That was when I was youthful and hot.

I cock my head to the side, and grin with a chuckle. He says... well what do you want me to put? I tell him just say I got shorter and fatter. He laughs and says lets just add 10 lbs. Ahhh I love that guy. I certainly gained alot more than 10 lbs more than my license says.

So $300 later I'm outta there, and home. With a small smile on my face.

Valerie + Math = Failure

Ei.... I suck at math. I'm trying to do my taxes, and all it's confirming is that I am a math tard. I realize the programs do almost all of it for you, but I also happen to be an internet tard so this really isn't working out well for me.

I have it saved but not filed yet. I need someone ( my dad and brother when they gets back from TN ) to look over it and make sure I did it correctly. I think I finally did just based upon last year's, but you never know.

What I am doing right now is fantacizing how I'm going to spend that money. I have all these plans, but unfortunately I think I'm going to have to go predictable and use it for nessecities. DAMN IT!

PSA Brought To You By Me

Do not fall asleep with a gel icepack on your face if you are a rough sleeper. You will wake up with blue goo gel all over your bed, pillow, face, and hands. The best part about it~ it's dyed that color, so that means it stains. Yes even your skin.


~ Love Smurfette

I'm So Excited & I Just Cant Hide It

I can not wait for the inaugaration to begin. Last night I was watching all the pre-stuff on msnbc. They were booing soon to be ex president Bush. They also had this awesome lego display. If you click through the link, you can see the pictures of it. Amazing!
Lego Display

A friend showed me this video, and it gave me imense fits of giggles. So I thought I would share it all with you.

Snow and more...

I hate it. I mean it's almost okay for a "White Christmas" but that's done and over with. That hasn't stopped mother nature from dumping tons and tons of it on us over the past two weeks. I want it to stop like yesterday.

I hate everything about the snow. How cold it is. I hate driving in it. The thing I hate the most is the way snow feels. I remember as a child looking up to the sky and sticking your tounge out to catch a snowflake. Now I make a mad dash to the door~ scarf covering everything but my eyes so it doesn't ruin my make up. I wear gloves, and keep extra ones in my pocket incase those get wet. I wonder if that speaks volumes on how shallow I must have become, or how I've lost that childhood carefree spirit.

I've repeatedly over the last few days ( and I think it's in my about me section too ) have equated my life as a snowglobe anyway. Just as things begin to settle, someone/something comes and violently shakes it all up again. Perhaps that's where my aversion to the snow comes from.

Roo I Love You

Roo is the name of my new Durango SLT. Lauren named her because she said durango kinda reminds her of kangaroos ( I can see it...hahaha ) and therefore we have a Roo for short.

Anyways yep, I got a new car/truck/suv whatever you want to call it. I LOVE it. Sitting way above all the traffic and it just feels safe and awesome. Plus its my FAVORITE color blue. My other car was a total p-o-s but it was also a 1997 and I had it forever. So it served it's purpose well.

I only have the picture from the dealer's website. I'll have to take some of my own too. But for now....

MIA

I don't really have anything to share. I got a new car, which I will have to update about later. But for now I'll leave with a quote that a friend shared with me the other day....

" Don't take life so seriously. No one gets out alive anyway. "

New Year Musings

Self reflection. I think that's what New Year's Day brings. You kinda think about everything that happened the previous year. How it has effected you and brought you where you are now. What you want to do to keep on that track, or deviate and seek change.

So today was full of that for me. I sat down, and thought about what happened this year. What I liked, what I did not. What I forsee as my plan, and if Im going to be able to carry it out.

I can tell you I'm no closer to any of the answers than I was before my self reflection. I still feel lost as ever, maybe even more so now. I'm trying really hard to be someone that just allows whatever happens to happen, but that goes against my very core being of Valerie. It's just not me.

So here is to hoping to a better 2009.

I dont do resolutions but....

My new mantra is:

To never make someone a priority, when they treat me as an option.

Charades

I hope everyone had a happy holiday. Mine was different and I hope it's the last one of that kind. It felt very lonely, and I tried to make the most of it. Holidays are a time for being with family. I was with mine but it still felt off kilter. Many thanks to those who checked in on me. I appreciate it more than you know.

A mask can only hide so much, and when you break down infront of your children for feeling like you've completely f'd up their lives and blame it on that darn lil drummer boy song sometimes they might believe you. This was not one of those times. I think my eldest has already surpassed me in her wisdom, and she is 7 yrs old. Now I'm not sure if that speaks volumes for her, or against me or perhaps a bit of both.

I really hope 2009 brings great change. The duct tape and glue are wearing off, and Id rather just not have to hold anything together any longer. Let it out, let it loose, and start over new.

Impulse Control Check

I am a planner. I love my calender. I write everything down, and try to know what's going on before it even happens. I guess that could fall into multitude of categories from being neurotic, to OCD or micromanaging or whatever. But it's me, and everyone who has graced my presence knows this.

So why do people try to annoy me by being "spontaneous" ? ~ which I equate more with being inconsiderate not fun loving. When I ask you what time to expect you for dinner, Im trying to be accomodating to your nature. It's killing me though because I want to say dinner is at X time, be there or be square. When people say they want to play it by ear, that drives me insane. Think nails down a chalkboard. When people ask for something last minute I want to punish them for not having planned better. I'm evil, I know.

This is for a certain someone

And no it's not you so don't ask. This person doesn't read my blog.

Bail Out Joke

You know you have to find the comic relief somewhere. This was too funny not to share.
Bail Out Application

Christmas Fun

So it's probably not a good idea to have a few drinks before you endure a Christmas shopping excursion~ or is it? This weekend I promised myself I was going to get a babysitter, and knock all my shopping out at once. I did that, but definitely needed the few drinks inorder to prepare. Then off to Target it was.

Let me tell you how much fun it is to shop that way. I honestly think you they should give everyone a drink upon walking into the store if you show id. HA! I was so excited at everything. I was happy go lucky. There was no scroogeness ( and my $300+ receipt is proof of that ). Everything was even more special. Especially the cool things they have revived for kids from my past. 1980's toys rock!

So I am offically done Christmas shopping, and not only that but EVERYTHING is wrapped to boot. With the holiday only 10 days away, I can be proud.

As If I Needed Another Reason...

This is funny. I wish I was in on this study. Gotta love the Onion. HA!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/90641

Lame

I hate half days of school. Seriously why even bother? We have to still get up at the crack of dawn to get ready, only to turn around 2 short hours later and pick the kids back up. Why not just do away with school that day in general?

What could they possibly accomplish in that time frame? They need atleast 5 minutes to settle down when they first arrive. Then they have a 30 minute lunch. Then you can't forget the 15 minute recess. Then they need 5 minutes to pack back up. So that now leaves what? Alittle over an hour for learning? Psshaw!

If you can tell, yesterday and today were half days of school and I'm NOT amused.